An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
You Might Also Like
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Clients after you give them your rates
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Need WebMD
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
You know I’m something of a chef myself
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.