I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
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I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
what’s really going on
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
me adding lol on a serious message
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.