4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
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mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Adultry does not sound fun at all
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”