Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
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I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth