Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
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200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/