My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
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Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Smile they said.