And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
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I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends