My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
You Might Also Like
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
you stereotypes are all alike
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.