Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
You Might Also Like
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
The options really are this bad
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.