Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
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you have three unread messages
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.