YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
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I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
I’m dying louder than usual today.
I’m putting together a team
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM