*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
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When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.