Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
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Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.