This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
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The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time