Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
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COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice