I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
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crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Labreador
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*