Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
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the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Vodka burrito was a success
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
this isn’t threatening at all
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.