I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
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Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Double negatives are never not confusing.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
don’t we all
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore