I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
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(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Saw online –
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples