I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
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the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
honestly, i need both:
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”