When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
You Might Also Like
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad