[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
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My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.