they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
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“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow