Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
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*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble