I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
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“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.