[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
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Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
My therapist after every session
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
😂😂😂
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours