[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
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Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.