So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
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Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
*3.5 thank you very much.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US