Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
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Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]