Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
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If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.