I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
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God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Just say no
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
My birthstone is a marshmallow
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm