I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
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Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.