Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
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still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.