I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
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REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Sooo many times…..
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”