If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
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Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.