DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
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Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.