How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
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Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
quarantine day 3
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*