Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
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Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
a badder mouse
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
I mean…but I did
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.