The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
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My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.