My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
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Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
ugh not again
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
adam and eve had first world problems
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.