So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
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He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
A completely valid reaction tbh
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.