“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
You Might Also Like
“A little help here, Danny?”
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?