My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
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i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
My neighbour wonāt stop talking about his Rolex and I canāt believe someone stole it tomorrow
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now Iām worried I married a witch
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet itās so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Haha! š
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply āokā in size 45 comic sans
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
The only time I get anxiety is when Iām picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
just once iād like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
āyou donāt text backā i know, stop texting me
Iām not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until Iāve had my coffee. Also I donāt drink coffee. Itās been very peaceful.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.