Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
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I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…