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8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.