“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
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I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
It be like that sometimes 😆
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.