Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
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If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Happy thanksgiving
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
this independent good boy don’t need no human
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?