Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
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When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
23. the denim jacket
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
I have two kinds of followers