God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
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My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
mom had nothing to worry about
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!