Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
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Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*